To all the boys I've loved before💌

Boy number 1.
It wasn't love that I felt for you then. I know that now. But I didn't know that then. Everyone knows that everything that involves a boy you like is rosy. It's like you could've killed me and I'd havd probably told my friends in the afterlife that it was for a good bloody reason. To be honest, I liked how you made me feel. I liked how I was allowed to blush whenever I heard your name. I liked how talking to you would give me euphoria for days. I just really really liked you. It didn't matter that I couldn't ever see you, it didn't matter that you were always with someone else. What I heard about the things you said could never matter. All that mattered was that you made me feel a certain way and I just couldn't let go of it. 
But that grew old really fast. Because as much as I felt new things with you, you also taught me the meaning of disappointment. I remember nights when you'd promise to call but didn't. I remember lots of leads that would never be followed. And eventually, when I really thought about it, I remember feeling embarrassed for having feelings that couldn't even be returned. You taught me the meaning of the word "unrequited". I'm only glad that I found a way to grow.
You were my first lesson.

Boy number 2.
Ah, I remember so many good times. I did love you. Just not the way I thought I did then. You meant the world to me. You were my best friend. I felt like it was going to be you and I  for a very long time. You made me so happy. I can only hope that I made you feel the same way.  You made me proud of myself, sure you teased me all the bloody time🤦🏾‍♀️, but with you, I was who I was and I could never ever say thank you enough for that. But like most teenage romances, we crashed. And not in a really good way.  I learnt how fast love ( no matter what type it is) could quickly turn sour. I hated the estrangement. I hated the hate. And I couldn't understand why things couldn't be okay. I blamed you and sometimes I blamed myself. I've learned that there's no coming back from things like that. I did see a side to you that I had never seen before and you saw the same thing in me.
At first I thought I regretted the time I had with you, I was always all about the means justifying the end. Then I realized that even though the ending was crap, what we had was good. And because of you I know what it is to be the singular most important thing in another person's life. I could never hate you for that. I'm nothing short of thanful. The truth is that I hope you're happy. That's what I'll always hope for you.

Boy number 3.
Tsk tsk.
Oh how stupid was I. 
How very stupid I was.
You always had a way with words. Sometimes I try to place the person you were, to who you turned out to be. I didn't even love you. I'm sure of that. But you managed to do the most damage.  I used to wonder if I could wake up and not see myself the way you made me see me. You showed me how bad boys could be. You made me realize that I should always look beyond the surface. Because people aren't who they appear to be. You gave me a reason to be ashamed of myself. And I hated that. And i wish I could hate you. But I've realized that you were a part of my life that I could not avoid. It was either then, now or later. You taught me that words could hurt as well as haunt. I mean  sometimes I can't even remember what you said, I can only remember what they were meant for.Jeez, everything happened so fast you left my head spinning 🤦🏾‍♀️.

Boy number 4.
Now, you I liked.
You were so easy to talk to. You were literally the first person I had ever talked to who didn't leave me thinking about how to start or continue a conversation. It made me feel connected, in a funny kind of way. And I really liked that. But all that didn't really matter I guess. It took one mistake to just crumble something that had barely even started.
So many regrets I have when it comes to you.
But I'm learning now that I don't deserve to be rebuked or insulted because of personal decisions I made in my life. But I guess you were necessary for me to get that. And to be honest, I hold no grudges and feel no anger. I've forgiven. But I'm probably cursed to never forget.
All I wish is that things had been different.
Like I said, so many regrets.

Boy number 5.
I was happy with you.
You were the one of the people in my life who didn't give me doubts. 
I did love you, doesn't even matter how I did. Alll I know is that you meant something to me. I now know however, that you thought you felt the same way, but didn't.
God love is such a strong word.
But it's easy to say even when you're not even sure you do feel it.
You broke my heart. Because out of all the boys that had ever been in my life, you were the last person I expected to hurt me.
And that did something to me.
"Changed me" should be the right phrase I guess.
I guess what hits hard the most is that I know you're a fundamentally good person. And that I'm probably the only one who has and will ever get to see that side of you.
Seeing you will hurt.
Every reminder of the time I spent with you will sting.
And isn't it so funny how they're all over the place?
I thought you'd be a good thing for me.
Sadly, I was wrong.
But, like every other occurrence that has taken place in my life, I'll move forward and do better.


You've all taught me that I shouldn't want or need a boy to make me feel nice or better about myself. Companionship isn't a bloody necessity. I've learnt the hard way that I've got to take care of me first, and ( for all that is holy) to accept the fact that not everything is how I will always want it to be.
I made bad decisions. I'm learning. And I'm moving forward.
So boys, thank you for your hard lessons.
I'm a better woman now. 
It's just so bad that some of y'all won't even ever get to see that.

And ps. Girls? You never let a boy treat you less than you deserve!

–Kachi❤️.